My datas are gone... my computer hard disk is corrupted.. all my travels, japan memories, china memories, vid trainings, crazy adventures, lost friends, youthful pictures, secret precious photos, photoshoot... all gone.
Yesterday started in a hype. I got a rent free for october and i used this money to finally buy myself a pricey quality camera. (For future projects aside onlyfans) Then my surgeon finally had a date for me to remove the metal plate. I was so thrilled. But it only lasted for few hours. Later that evening my laptop suddenly died on me. While i was working on onlyfans content. Worst possible time to be have this happening... i had a most of my future content in my laptop. I could still continue with my phone and all... but i lost the will. I almost wanna shut everything down and cry in a ball. I feel like i lost a limb. Smthg precious gone forever. Don't ask me why i didn't back them up.. it's a long regretful story. Little to say I've learned my lesson. I don't think ill buy external hard drives anymore either. These shit also get corrupted out of the blue.
I'm trying to keep posting but it's so difficult... my mind is all over what has been lost. I can't get over it. My EI ran out. Ive got no income anymore. No laptop to work. Covid heavily fucked up my plans for japan. I feel excluded from my roommates. I don't feel heard or seen. I have inferiority complex type of anxiety. I feel low. I wanna give so much to people who are precious to me and i can't even. Im broke af. - i used to think that shit was funny as hell. But with everything going around, it's seriously starting to get under my skin now. I can't help dreaming about money and fame/sucess, japan and a better life... Lately I've been scared to go to bed. Because in the morning i feel like I'm waking up to a living nightmare i can't explain...
I'm like on edge of depression from lack of achievements and expected results. In the best of my knowledge, i think the best way to fight this is to practice gratitude every morning and evening... Tonight, i am grateful i have a roof over my head... My fridge is full of food. I'm relatively healthy. I have a lot of undying passions and unleashed potential. I'm drinking tea on a couch right now... Everythg around me is clean and functional. I'm practically the only thing broken from inside.
If i want tomorrow, i could choose between having a warm tea, or chocolate milk, orange juice, or banana coco milk... i could call a friend or my sister to chat. I could go training... i have this little freedom. I could jerk any porn id want if i were horny. I have great, smart, understanding sexy lover...
I'll never give up... i still remember the promise i made to the universe. Ill always be there for you and you to me. Ill take care of you from now on. You are forever loved. You have my protection. Never forget... i was here all along, waiting you to accept me into your heart.
