"Stop blaming your parents, it’s your problem"

I hate it whenever I hear that... it's so annoying. People that say such things have never stepped into our shoes and can't understand where we're coming from. it's like hearing "look doesn't matter" from a pretty person, or "money doesn't matter" from a rich.

We don't just "get over" being raised by a narcissist. Trauma don't heal with time alone or the moment you turn 18. Children of Narcissist come out of there with the need of therapy in order to function normally as an adult, that's how severe and brutal our childhood wired us. They wouldn't be able to fathom it

The insidious cicle

My Vul. Narc mom created us, and the generation continued..  

My brother was the golden child.

My sister was the scapegoat. 

I was the lost child. 

 

My brother led this life and eventually became a Grand. Narcissist himself. 

I became his scapegoat 

and my sister his enabler  

When I learned the source of all the narcism in my life: within my family, I felt a devastation similar to death. I mourned over a childhood I never had. I mourn over my brother who basically died while becoming an adult and left behind just an empty shell of who he used to be. I mourned over my mom who slowly and eventually died while raising us, leaving behind a demon possessing her being. It hurts... I loved them with all my heart.. And now I look on top of it all, scraps of what my family once was, like seeing the remain of your best friend's scattered around the batterfield knowing he got caught as a war prisoner. All of us, so broken. so dysfuntional.  

I always thought, how did I end up not being mentally challenged, how did I managed to be so healthy after such a screwed up childhood... I knew my childhood was bad but I didnt comprehend to what extent until I read about it and understood what the hell happened to us.  

Well, now I have my answer: We are not healthy. we are trauma survivors every single one of us. We all coped the situation differently based on our role and how we were treated.  

I can't help but feel like a defect... like I'm broken and cannot be salvaged.. and maybe i should stay single forever for the sake of anybody.. I know how irrational and victim-mindset this sounds like. I haven't had these negative thoughts for few years until recently when I discovered the narcissism within my family and I revisited my childhood. I was heart-sinking to realize the extend of what a sadly clichéd we all fit in the narcissist family mold

Sexual Abuse

People who were around survivors when the abuse was happening say things like "I didn't see any signs". What I would say in response to that would be "What elements were you looking at? What were being observed and interpreted?" One must consider all the behaviors, not just the behavior which is overtly criminal. The insidious behaviors must be considered as well. Person's words, mannerrism, gestures, and expression for example. As part of the manipulation, I would also mention gaslighting. This is a very powerful technique that narcissists use. The abuser will use the survivor's own insecurities and turn them against the survivor. The insecurities are more pronounced because of the abuse itself. So it's this vicious cycle that rewards the abuser for gaslighting. Their ability to gaslight become enhance due to their own abusive behavior. The more the perpretrator commits abuse, the more they can blame the survivor for what is happening to the survivor.  

- Dr. Grande  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXkfxTE46Ag

Revenge on ASPD...

They probably did something or several things that made it clear that they do not have a conscious, because their actions were just too extreme and well beyond the boundaries of social norms and downright cruel. They probably hurt you in a way that is almost impossible to put into words without sounding like a crazy person yourself. I get that... And they get that too, they just don’t care. I actually condone revenge in most cases, but when facing ASPD or any other cluster B personalities... it's probably not a good idea... You become the very person you want revenge on thereby destroying the good person within you. Fascinating how theyre working on making you into them and them into you... and little by little, if you lose to their demons, they really do end up absorbing you while turning you into them

After 4 months of Onlyfans

I see the potential of this site. But I'm just burned out...

Everything happening within Onlyfans with the fans is generally good, but everything that happens outside that... daayumm... so tiring as fuck.

If there are 2 things I wished I knew before starting is:

1- That I better work on being an influencer or gain popularity elsewhere BEFORE starting an OF or its gonna be a shitty game of endless promotion.

2- That it can be a very toxic environment. Most men will act entitled, spoiled and will waste your time trying to get most of you without subbing (try to meet with you, chitchat with you, get freebies, "help" you create content, "befriend" you). It's exasperating. Even some fellow content creators can be shockingly rude for no reasons whatsoever. Which brings to my next point to never take things personally.

It's so tiring to have these sneaky male friends that know you in real life and discovers your OF, then express how supportive they are but in action, they don't sub and ask for free content.  

I'm so saturated with men that are so entitled, expecting me to please them. They never think about me, about what I get in return.  I was advertising in Fetlife (my sole purpose on being on fetlife), and all these men just wanna hook up. The least they could do to grab my attention is sub to me and to show support. Instead they tentatively go like "I don't want to sub, but I was hoping we could talk and arrange a meeting :)"  Excuse me? What do I get out of this? How can they have the audacity to suggest anything that only benefits them without considering my benefits in the equation?  You're not putting anything on the table here!  It's like asking a stranger if they'd be interested to give you money of their hard working paycheck :) *smiley face* (mind you, it did happen to an Onlyfans creator before) The girl is running a business here.  You have no idea the number of guys asking you out and wanting to meet you on a daily basis with an Onlyfans. Now which one do you think a girl running a business would give their time to? Someone who sub and supports her business. Or someone who doesn't pay and ask for time together. C'mon man. The imbecility is exasperating. 

The people who subbed to me have been genuinely nice however.. Very respectful, kind and supportive. It brings me much regret to turn my page free and be less consistent to take a break from the toxicity. I feel like I'm letting them down... but to begin with I didnt have enough fan to support the lifestyle, it wasnt profitable in the end, and that I am to be blamed - I know I didn't advertise as much as I could. 

No media present...

My datas are gone... my computer hard disk is corrupted.. all my travels, japan memories, china memories, vid trainings, crazy adventures, lost friends, youthful pictures, secret precious photos, photoshoot... all gone.

Yesterday started in a hype. I got a rent free for october and i used this money to finally buy myself a pricey quality camera. (For future projects aside onlyfans) Then my surgeon finally had a date for me to remove the metal plate. I was so thrilled. But it only lasted for few hours.  Later that evening my laptop suddenly died on me. While i was working on onlyfans content. Worst possible time to be have this happening... i had a most of my future content in my laptop. I could still continue with my phone and all... but i lost the will. I almost wanna shut everything down and cry in a ball. I feel like i lost a limb. Smthg precious gone forever. Don't ask me why i didn't back them up.. it's a long regretful story.  Little to say I've learned my lesson. I don't think ill buy external hard drives anymore either. These shit also get corrupted out of the blue. 

I'm trying to keep posting but it's so difficult... my mind is all over what has been lost. I can't get over it. My EI ran out. Ive got no income anymore. No laptop to work. Covid heavily fucked up my plans for japan. I feel excluded from my roommates. I don't feel heard or seen. I have inferiority complex type of anxiety. I feel low. I wanna give so much to people who are precious to me and i can't even. Im broke af. - i used to think that shit was funny as hell. But with everything going around, it's seriously starting to get under my skin now. I can't help dreaming about money and fame/sucess, japan and a better life... Lately I've been scared to go to bed. Because in the morning i feel like I'm waking up to a living nightmare i can't explain...

I'm like on edge of depression from lack of achievements and expected results. In the best of my knowledge, i think the best way to fight this is to practice gratitude every morning and evening... Tonight, i am grateful i have a roof over my head... My fridge is full of food. I'm relatively healthy. I have a lot of undying passions and unleashed potential. I'm drinking tea on a couch right now... Everythg around me is clean and functional. I'm practically the only thing broken from inside. 

If i want tomorrow, i could choose between having a warm tea, or chocolate milk, orange juice, or banana coco milk... i could call a friend or my sister to chat. I could go training... i have this little freedom. I could jerk any porn id want if i were horny. I have great, smart, understanding sexy lover... 

I'll never give up... i still remember the promise i made to the universe. Ill always be there for you and you to me. Ill take care of you from now on. You are forever loved. You have my protection. Never forget... i was here all along, waiting you to accept me into your heart. 

blog finally public after a decade. wtf

 oh wow finally after almost a DECADE now, I realize why this blog was dead and not audience interactive.... READERS WERE PUT IN CUSTOMIZE BY DEFAULT.  T____T

... anyhow. Save yourself the trouble and don't read anything before this year XD  I changed a lot, that person back then is not really me anymore

Day 5 to day 7 on Onlyfans

I got in total 2 fans now from IG I believe. I heard reddit and twitter are the best promo platforms for OF but I haven't got around them. I created accounts, that's as far as I went with that. I keep thinking how I must post as much as I can to make my fan's money worth! but then they not even liking or interacting with me lol, I feel like dumb each time I realize I've been panicky for basically no reason lol. sometimes I wonder if they'd notice if I don't post for a day.  I worked til 4am for a vid once and put it there for my fans no one saw it anyway lmao