"Stop blaming your parents, it’s your problem"

I hate it whenever I hear that... it's so annoying. People that say such things have never stepped into our shoes and can't understand where we're coming from. it's like hearing "look doesn't matter" from a pretty person, or "money doesn't matter" from a rich.

We don't just "get over" being raised by a narcissist. Trauma don't heal with time alone or the moment you turn 18. Children of Narcissist come out of there with the need of therapy in order to function normally as an adult, that's how severe and brutal our childhood wired us. They wouldn't be able to fathom it

The insidious cicle

My Vul. Narc mom created us, and the generation continued..  

My brother was the golden child.

My sister was the scapegoat. 

I was the lost child. 

 

My brother led this life and eventually became a Grand. Narcissist himself. 

I became his scapegoat 

and my sister his enabler  

When I learned the source of all the narcism in my life: within my family, I felt a devastation similar to death. I mourned over a childhood I never had. I mourn over my brother who basically died while becoming an adult and left behind just an empty shell of who he used to be. I mourned over my mom who slowly and eventually died while raising us, leaving behind a demon possessing her being. It hurts... I loved them with all my heart.. And now I look on top of it all, scraps of what my family once was, like seeing the remain of your best friend's scattered around the batterfield knowing he got caught as a war prisoner. All of us, so broken. so dysfuntional.  

I always thought, how did I end up not being mentally challenged, how did I managed to be so healthy after such a screwed up childhood... I knew my childhood was bad but I didnt comprehend to what extent until I read about it and understood what the hell happened to us.  

Well, now I have my answer: We are not healthy. we are trauma survivors every single one of us. We all coped the situation differently based on our role and how we were treated.  

I can't help but feel like a defect... like I'm broken and cannot be salvaged.. and maybe i should stay single forever for the sake of anybody.. I know how irrational and victim-mindset this sounds like. I haven't had these negative thoughts for few years until recently when I discovered the narcissism within my family and I revisited my childhood. I was heart-sinking to realize the extend of what a sadly clichéd we all fit in the narcissist family mold

Sexual Abuse

People who were around survivors when the abuse was happening say things like "I didn't see any signs". What I would say in response to that would be "What elements were you looking at? What were being observed and interpreted?" One must consider all the behaviors, not just the behavior which is overtly criminal. The insidious behaviors must be considered as well. Person's words, mannerrism, gestures, and expression for example. As part of the manipulation, I would also mention gaslighting. This is a very powerful technique that narcissists use. The abuser will use the survivor's own insecurities and turn them against the survivor. The insecurities are more pronounced because of the abuse itself. So it's this vicious cycle that rewards the abuser for gaslighting. Their ability to gaslight become enhance due to their own abusive behavior. The more the perpretrator commits abuse, the more they can blame the survivor for what is happening to the survivor.  

- Dr. Grande  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXkfxTE46Ag

Revenge on ASPD...

They probably did something or several things that made it clear that they do not have a conscious, because their actions were just too extreme and well beyond the boundaries of social norms and downright cruel. They probably hurt you in a way that is almost impossible to put into words without sounding like a crazy person yourself. I get that... And they get that too, they just don’t care. I actually condone revenge in most cases, but when facing ASPD or any other cluster B personalities... it's probably not a good idea... You become the very person you want revenge on thereby destroying the good person within you. Fascinating how theyre working on making you into them and them into you... and little by little, if you lose to their demons, they really do end up absorbing you while turning you into them

After 4 months of Onlyfans

I see the potential of this site. But I'm just burned out...

Everything happening within Onlyfans with the fans is generally good, but everything that happens outside that... daayumm... so tiring as fuck.

If there are 2 things I wished I knew before starting is:

1- That I better work on being an influencer or gain popularity elsewhere BEFORE starting an OF or its gonna be a shitty game of endless promotion.

2- That it can be a very toxic environment. Most men will act entitled, spoiled and will waste your time trying to get most of you without subbing (try to meet with you, chitchat with you, get freebies, "help" you create content, "befriend" you). It's exasperating. Even some fellow content creators can be shockingly rude for no reasons whatsoever. Which brings to my next point to never take things personally.

It's so tiring to have these sneaky male friends that know you in real life and discovers your OF, then express how supportive they are but in action, they don't sub and ask for free content.  

I'm so saturated with men that are so entitled, expecting me to please them. They never think about me, about what I get in return.  I was advertising in Fetlife (my sole purpose on being on fetlife), and all these men just wanna hook up. The least they could do to grab my attention is sub to me and to show support. Instead they tentatively go like "I don't want to sub, but I was hoping we could talk and arrange a meeting :)"  Excuse me? What do I get out of this? How can they have the audacity to suggest anything that only benefits them without considering my benefits in the equation?  You're not putting anything on the table here!  It's like asking a stranger if they'd be interested to give you money of their hard working paycheck :) *smiley face* (mind you, it did happen to an Onlyfans creator before) The girl is running a business here.  You have no idea the number of guys asking you out and wanting to meet you on a daily basis with an Onlyfans. Now which one do you think a girl running a business would give their time to? Someone who sub and supports her business. Or someone who doesn't pay and ask for time together. C'mon man. The imbecility is exasperating. 

The people who subbed to me have been genuinely nice however.. Very respectful, kind and supportive. It brings me much regret to turn my page free and be less consistent to take a break from the toxicity. I feel like I'm letting them down... but to begin with I didnt have enough fan to support the lifestyle, it wasnt profitable in the end, and that I am to be blamed - I know I didn't advertise as much as I could.