Love game

This may contain notes from a further past while i was just a child


"I just found the best game to know how the person feels (or doesnt feel) about you.  Today. Yeah.

It happened in the subway today as I was following him pretending I was heading home as well.  I stared at him, uncontrollably, because this was probably the last time I see him until an undetermined time, and also because he was simply irresistible to my eyes.

The staring game. (if you dont mind being a creep)

You stare at the person, and see how he responses...  Since I know how he feels about me already... this game proved to be very accurate in my case.  

If he doesn't care: he literally doesn't care about you

If he does stare and you try to keep your eyes on him, that is how clear your relationship is.

Because I couldn't last 3 seconds before either looking away or giggling.  He, on the other hand, was very indifferent. 

I think in a figurative way, if the person doesnt laugh, but eventually laughs after many effortful tries, this could hint that you might have some chance with the person if you persevere until the very end.

In another context, if the person does laugh, but in an unexpected moment (you tried to do the funny eye, the cute one, the sexy one, etc, all didnt work), this could mean that all the advance you do to him is useless, because the charm he might find in you, is where you won't expect it.

If you make the person laugh, in other words, thats a win.

(Of course you have to watch the way he laughs.. it could be one of those "this is ridiculous..." laugh. Thats an automatic Game Over, sadly :/)

This is all about intimidation.  If he finds you attractive in some ways, he will be intimidated by your stare.

As for me... I never won.  I was utterly crushed and defeated.  As expected."

In Hate of being In Love

You know what.  I think I hate being in love.  I used to think it was enjoyable cuz u feel like ur in a fantasy world, but its ANNOYING after all.

simply put, my IQ drops by 50% when its about him/her, whether that person is around or not! I become stupid and careless. It's like I don't have respect for myself anymore.

I do idiotic things that would lead me to a homeless and shitjob life. I'd even go as far as to travel a 3h traffic just to see a glimpse of a face for fucking 3 seconds.  I'd go in the opposite direction of my way despite the fact im late, so I can have a casual conversation with that person a little longer.  And I'll spit the beans to admit I'd fantasize during the most inappropriate moments.

And the worst feeling i don't wanna get into anymore is those fucking 1 sided-loves.  Fuck it's annoyingly painful.  If only I could control who I could fall in love with, that would be just great.

I think it's about time I confront reality.... I will never be with someone that turns me on. NEVER.  Because I'm off the game!!!

See it like this:
I am AQUA color.  But my type of guy is the type RED... that likes the RED type...

If I could choose... I'd be RED, but I was born and raised AQUA.  How sad those ppl who can't like or accept the way they are... I know AQUA is an awesome unique color y'know.. but I can't help it.. to stare longingly at the RED...

Quote I just found that describes my current situation pretty well:
- I hate being in love. I hate the overwhelming feeling of being lost in another person.  

4.   Unleashing the inner stalker. “I will only peek at her Facebook albums.” Seven hours later, you’ve saved all her photos and read every inane post on her wall. - Nadir Hassan

7.   The Bond-villain scheming. Well, she gets off work at 6 pm, so  if I take another two hours to file this report maybe I’ll run into her on the stairs and then I can tell her that her dress looks nice. Next thing you know, she’ll agree to marry me.  - Nadir Hassan

I asked a guy out...

This may contain self-notes from a distant past while i was just a child


"OMFG that went sooo wrong omg i just wanna kill myself!! i did it.. i did it.. i ask the guy out.. i mean just hang out.. omfg it was so fucking weird. thats the first time i asked a guy out. fuck im so awkward and so embarassed now. that guy just kinda tried to take it humorously. let me die already. he didnt say he didnt want to.. but i could tell. so i told him.. 'its kay if you dont want... let me know if you change your mind'. he went 'lolk'


This is humiliating.


seriously if could die of shame I wouldnt survive in this world
i better do my best not to think about it for now or i wont be able to stand on my feet the next day"

I miss Stranger

Is it normal to miss a complete stranger..?

Whenever you fall in love, you ought to ask yourself few questions, about that person as much as about yourself.  I very often ponder as to why am I attracted to that person.  And altho those questions are most likely about that lovely person, I always end up learning more about myself somehow, through what I really like and why.

So as to say, each time we fall in love, we learn about ourselves

Each time you fell in love, you become a new person. Each time I fell in love, I move, evolve, go through this and that. (and that is simply by falling in love, no dating just yet)

Hobo

There was a female punk with a dog sitting on the floor with a board carved "we're starving" with dog paws drawn around. The woman was extremely skinny, had aqua hair and piercings.  Sometimes I wonder who would be stupid enough to give them money?  If you want to help them, you don't give them money - we all knows where this is going to go.  That look she had was not cheap, and occationally comes with a tendency to drugs. You want to help them? The last thing you give IS money.

-------------
I remember seeing that guy with an amputated arm EVERYWHERE in the city where I live.  Like when I say everywhere, by that I mean chinatown to downtown to nowheretown!  He was quite de gross-type hobo, unshaved, smelly, half naked, and rude.  He keeps surprising me each time I see him. "wow that dude is still living..." with that, I sight his hat full of dollars.  Who the F. don't know how to use their generosity properly?  I guess I'm just some satan offspring I'll never understand that.  One day, I got to witness how he used his collected dollars. As expected, exasperating.  He was noisy and laughing triumphly in a retard fashion when he succeeded to open a bottle of booze with the corner of a public trash can.
-------------

The first day, she catched my intention with the nice look and the dog.  She made me think of Lisbeth.  So I turned back to her and offered her the only food I had: a cereal bar.  She thanked and pouched it.

2 days later, I saw her again and the dog, sitting on the same spot.  I had a cereal bar again that I keep avoiding to eat (so dry..).  This time I went down to the station depanneur to buy fresh juice which I gave to her along with the cereal bar.  She thanked and pouched them.

I told myself next time, I will get her dog food as well.  But that was the last time I saw her sitting, and also the last time I saw the dog.  Next time I saw her, 2 months later, she was walking, dogless.
Whatever I did, I did not make that happen.

**********

If you really want to help homeless people... you give them food if they're hungry, a shelter if they are sleepy, some clothes if they're cold.  You don't give them money god damnit. They don't know how to handle money, this is how they got homeless in the first place.

Cupid Ruler

I am still too emotionally disconnected... I've gotta do smthg about it
I'm way too vague about my last post too. Like what the hell am i saying kind of feeling.

Oh well I'll just say it or they'll be no point in for this blog.. I guess what was going on was that I went over a phase of infatuation.

I was infatuated, for the first time of my life, passionately and intensely, over this person.. that boy.  And boy was it terrible.  It was literally slow lethal poison through my veins.  I would plan all night for him, sleep at 1, to wake up at 3, take night bus, and wait in front of his house for fucking 5 hours until he would show up.  He never showed up.  (thx lord he hadn't) or there'd be witnesses that I have few criminal harassments in my records.

I won't say all the stupid things I've done just to see him but I can say it was shitty stupid one after the other. Simply put, he was my God. My Ruler. Air. Everything.

[...]

I'm over now.  I saw him again.  I wasn't even thrilled to see him.  I was glad certainly, but I didn't want to desperately touch him like I used to.  It's funny how I would have died to have him ask me out (as friends) to hang out, but now I'm almost indifferent.  I have to thank Wushu for that.  If I would have known there was a cure to that obsession much earlier.. I'd fight obsession with passion.  Sigh... well I'm free now right?  Ty, Thank you to all my seniors!  I Love you all! *LOUD TRIUMPH LAUGH*

Ahh Now I can finally put my mask back on.

Obsessover

I'm healed.  Officially healed from my obsession.  It took me 4 years to finally get free.  I've been suspecting it since August 11th, after the club.  But today I spoke to him and I didn't have pain or helpless desire.  I didn't feel sad or happy at all.  I talked about it in an old post called Poison Scrape. That monster was eating me from the inside out.  I am so relieved... so relieved... man I don't wanna ever go through that ever again.  It sure helped me know more about my sexuality but damn... I wouldn't go back into that shit for sick f*ck in no way

Gas Station

(event that leads to nowhere)

"Here, let me handle the gas this time"

"No. You can't"

"Why not?"

And an old goof called him for help; 'guess I won't get my answer unless I try it myself.  While he was away, I pulled out the gun gas but the trigger wouldn't move.  I tried several times until I brought myself to read the instructions... kay... so... I have to put a credit or debit first.  Alright... Dear friend was still away helping old goof, so might as well..

He came back. I filled about 30L.  He stared at the machine, then at me with the gun gas.  His expression shifted from neutral to some kind of ... disbelief, anger, revulsion and.. internal pain?  "WHY the FUCK did you do that?!" "Oh Idk, maybe because we need gas to roll?"

He ignored me the rest of the evening.  Sometimes he would stare at me with an air of "fuck you're stupid for having done that" but he was too angry to explain somehow.

At his house, he went toilet then straight to bed, while pretending I wasn't there.  So I went to take a shower and I stayed there for a couple of minutes more than necessary.

... Should I sleep on the sofa tonight?  Maybe I'm over thinking.  Honestly, this is nothing.  I pay the gas, dude gets angry for no reason, why should I let it influence my good night of sleep? still 6h left.

So I slide on the bed next to him slowly not to wake him up.  But apparently, he was awake already, as he grunted then turned his back to me.  Is he really that mad for such a trivial matter?  Somehow I had hard time sleeping that night.  When I woke up in the morning, I kinda hoped the night would've helped him get cleared of all emotional issues he had on me.  Nope. Looks like I'm still a stranger.  I don't even know why I tried to engage a conversation with him, I hate being ignored.

I'm tired. I'll leave him like that. I won't even say good bye.

I feel stoopid

Yesterday, I came across this food court downtown... and I saw that girl I had a crush on 2 years prior.  Without thinking much, I stopped her and greeted her.  Instant regret.  The only thing that followed after was an awkward conversation, cuz she doesnt know much about me (I'm the stalker), about why we were there.. (she was gonna eat, obviously! I just made a fool out of myself).

When she asked me where I was going, I don't know what kind of gibbering I was trying to do, but I believe I tried to tell her I was doing my grocery.

In normal circumstance, I would've suggested to eat with her, but I felt too stupid to keep this going so I just smiled-"bye-d" stupidly before running away.  I heard friends were waiting for her.  I had to finish my grocery.

shy on facebook

yeah.. i'm posting less and less lately... no ones reading so it doesn't matter.  No ones would read because I'm too emotionally disconnected online.  I took a big step by starting posting photos but telling out loud little things (happy/sad) that happens in my life is still weird to me.  Don't get me wrong, I DO want to say what's on my mind.  Especially on facebook.  I wanna post things and say whatever I am feeling right now but I am not the popular type so I'm often afraid that my posts gets no reaction at all.  I'm even too shy to link this blog to my facebook.

if one day I'm game to post silly photos of myself like this one on a daily routine on facebook, I'll consider myself "unshyed"

he she I

That's my little pianist boy. He's my humble servant and my dearest Master. This is my girl.  She's a fighter and a breath-taker. She is also both my mother and my daughter.  That is I, a life-charger and a neutralist.  I could buy you for a billion dollar or I could simply flip a coin in the dark alley.

I'm a freak. You are..?

I don't have ''manners''?  And whatever I do is ''weird''?  No need to mention it.. I can see in your eyes and hear in your voice the hint of judgmental discipline already..
May I return the compliment?  Didn't your mom taught you how not to stare at people like that? Seriously. Those noble people are starting to sicken me.

I have something to say to those people who sees other people who have been living a life differently than commonly as FREAKS:

While you look down on me, I can see all your bogey from down there.  The higher you keep your nose up, the more I sight. You and me, the disgust is mutual.

Dress Code

I will never dress properly.

Losing a Key

Wake up early morning... and day after day giving that hypocrite smile of mine.  Sure I'm alright.  I'm just a big sack of plucked chicken.  Can't bring myself to break that smile, what's more sincere that his?

And then, last week, I said it... I spat the roach off my mouth.
He said it was fine.  So I thought so too.

We continued the day speaking friendly, with a slight feeling of wings sprouting out my shoulders.  But something in the way he was eyeing me has changed.

The next day, he called me off.  There goes my career.  As I was watching his eyes and demeanor that day, I guess something in my eyes changed as well.

I gave out the keys.  And as I was walking back home, I pulled out my set of keys and had a look. Why, I just have one left.  If I had a car, I'd have another one.  So I concluded, the more keys you own, the more responsibilities you hold.

Method

photo dates always fail me.. I set the camera as so it stamps the date on each photo and now I'm too lazy to find the switch off

can't really see it, but I am wearing 3 black ties.  I call them my Three black ties of all connotation.

Uhm.. Move

Today as I took the metro, a lady spoke to me.  I didn't realize it was me she was talking to at first because she was in front of me and she wouldn't turn around to look at me.  She simply tilt her head and said:

- Can you go somewhere else?
- huh? Why?
- I don't like having someone behind me.
- ... Well, move.

The train arrived and the woman took 2 wagons away from mine lol

Yes she was being rude.. so I momentarily responded on the same note.  But honestly I wish I was more composed and said smthg like...

- I'm sorry but if you really dislike it, you better make a little effort to either move or turn around 'cause even if I go, someone else will lean there so you really chose the wrong spot, ma'am.

or

- Move you big fatass bitch and perhaps someday you'll lose a pound.


Yeah... Both would do, really..

Debris

I wanted to add a photo every week... but looks like i cant so lets make that once a month or smthg.. 

DE GOZARU~~~

I can't suppress my excitement!!!! Wow I can't believe I had doubt on the cast!  When I heard Takeru speak in gozaru, I litterally got sold.  He looks so... strong and cool and fast and lol the way he should be X) can't wait!

Starring Drugs

Is it me or every famous superstars are freaking drug dealers?! Are they all.. trolling us? like hey.. we're stars, we're models for all ages... here's some weeds.  wtf...
lol... seriously why are all artists, actors or singers have a history of drug issues in their past life.  Smoking weeds to get their inspiration? hum Funny...

Night Fella Scene

Last week, I was in CT.  The peculiar thing about this place is that the day and night time almost works the same as in Zelda.  Sun's up - lively town, sun's down, gloomy town.  Street gangs are all over the place.  Bums sleeping in corners (might be dead for all we know). Beggars going people to people.  Few "civilized" couples were walking silently down the dark roads.  And here I was in the corner over the street waiting to get picked up... lol just kid' -.- well.. I was getting picked up.. by my lover that is.

Anyhow, here I was, waiting.  Across the street was this teen gang having the time of their life drinking all sorts of bottles.  I guess it's not unusual that controversial thoughts runs through your mind as you see this.  So young... and... Kinda... Sad? I have nothing against what they are doing.  Hell I probably look like that too when I hang out with my friends at night.  I just felt like... some of them don't seem to know what they are doing or what they want to do.  Oh well, it's their life.  My attention went to the pauper begging money to a middle-aged couple.  They walked past him as if he was a vase.  So he tried begging a man passing, obviously to be ignored.  Then he went for the drunken teen gang... And that's when I went 'Oh Shit' in my head.  They're drunk and they are outnumbered, plus they're juvenile delinquents....  So the Oh-Shit was manifestly preceded by an equation that looked like that:

TEENS  x  GANG  x  BOOZE  x  NIGHT  +  1 BEGGAR = cops and hospitals

That beggar is begging to get bested up ain't he!
He kept waving his cap around.  Should I even stay there? -_-  One of the youngsters made the first step towards the beggar..... and dropped few coins into the hat.  lolwut?
Then he was followed by another of his friend and another one til 4-5 of them got to donate.
The beggar thanked them and walked away.


This scene was very evocative. While the civilized people saw the beggar as a piece of shit, some second-class group could see the human in that junk shit.  But that was one scene.  Here we are, every day and night, judging each others by our social status and what we look like.   In the end, the best judge is our reactions to a situation in our lowest condition.

Darker Hair

Got my hair redone by Fang Image (MTL). Great studio, go check it out! :)

Cant really see it here but the tips of my hair are dark red and I have few highlights of the same color.  The rest is a brownish uhm... forgot the name of the color but it's a good one yea

Fang fang wanted to keep smthg like my previous haircut as a first so she simply trim it.

Poison Scrape

A monster cannot be killed from the host it sleeps within.  The blow has to come from the outside.  For my case, God has to do something beyond repulsive; impossible...  In other words, this scar is gonna stay there for quite a long time... probably forever... who knows... it’s been 3 years already after all.  Looking at this photo, memories discharged an unreachable, almost unbearable beauty.  At this moment, I felt this monster’s snore which I was struggling to disregard ‘til now.  So it’s not dead after all... simply resting - awaiting dearest God to reappear once again.  I must not let that happen - even if it means to close my eyes.  It’s going to strike harder than the first time.  I want to live.