Cupid Ruler

I am still too emotionally disconnected... I've gotta do smthg about it
I'm way too vague about my last post too. Like what the hell am i saying kind of feeling.

Oh well I'll just say it or they'll be no point in for this blog.. I guess what was going on was that I went over a phase of infatuation.

I was infatuated, for the first time of my life, passionately and intensely, over this person.. that boy.  And boy was it terrible.  It was literally slow lethal poison through my veins.  I would plan all night for him, sleep at 1, to wake up at 3, take night bus, and wait in front of his house for fucking 5 hours until he would show up.  He never showed up.  (thx lord he hadn't) or there'd be witnesses that I have few criminal harassments in my records.

I won't say all the stupid things I've done just to see him but I can say it was shitty stupid one after the other. Simply put, he was my God. My Ruler. Air. Everything.

[...]

I'm over now.  I saw him again.  I wasn't even thrilled to see him.  I was glad certainly, but I didn't want to desperately touch him like I used to.  It's funny how I would have died to have him ask me out (as friends) to hang out, but now I'm almost indifferent.  I have to thank Wushu for that.  If I would have known there was a cure to that obsession much earlier.. I'd fight obsession with passion.  Sigh... well I'm free now right?  Ty, Thank you to all my seniors!  I Love you all! *LOUD TRIUMPH LAUGH*

Ahh Now I can finally put my mask back on.

Obsessover

I'm healed.  Officially healed from my obsession.  It took me 4 years to finally get free.  I've been suspecting it since August 11th, after the club.  But today I spoke to him and I didn't have pain or helpless desire.  I didn't feel sad or happy at all.  I talked about it in an old post called Poison Scrape. That monster was eating me from the inside out.  I am so relieved... so relieved... man I don't wanna ever go through that ever again.  It sure helped me know more about my sexuality but damn... I wouldn't go back into that shit for sick f*ck in no way

Gas Station

(event that leads to nowhere)

"Here, let me handle the gas this time"

"No. You can't"

"Why not?"

And an old goof called him for help; 'guess I won't get my answer unless I try it myself.  While he was away, I pulled out the gun gas but the trigger wouldn't move.  I tried several times until I brought myself to read the instructions... kay... so... I have to put a credit or debit first.  Alright... Dear friend was still away helping old goof, so might as well..

He came back. I filled about 30L.  He stared at the machine, then at me with the gun gas.  His expression shifted from neutral to some kind of ... disbelief, anger, revulsion and.. internal pain?  "WHY the FUCK did you do that?!" "Oh Idk, maybe because we need gas to roll?"

He ignored me the rest of the evening.  Sometimes he would stare at me with an air of "fuck you're stupid for having done that" but he was too angry to explain somehow.

At his house, he went toilet then straight to bed, while pretending I wasn't there.  So I went to take a shower and I stayed there for a couple of minutes more than necessary.

... Should I sleep on the sofa tonight?  Maybe I'm over thinking.  Honestly, this is nothing.  I pay the gas, dude gets angry for no reason, why should I let it influence my good night of sleep? still 6h left.

So I slide on the bed next to him slowly not to wake him up.  But apparently, he was awake already, as he grunted then turned his back to me.  Is he really that mad for such a trivial matter?  Somehow I had hard time sleeping that night.  When I woke up in the morning, I kinda hoped the night would've helped him get cleared of all emotional issues he had on me.  Nope. Looks like I'm still a stranger.  I don't even know why I tried to engage a conversation with him, I hate being ignored.

I'm tired. I'll leave him like that. I won't even say good bye.

I feel stoopid

Yesterday, I came across this food court downtown... and I saw that girl I had a crush on 2 years prior.  Without thinking much, I stopped her and greeted her.  Instant regret.  The only thing that followed after was an awkward conversation, cuz she doesnt know much about me (I'm the stalker), about why we were there.. (she was gonna eat, obviously! I just made a fool out of myself).

When she asked me where I was going, I don't know what kind of gibbering I was trying to do, but I believe I tried to tell her I was doing my grocery.

In normal circumstance, I would've suggested to eat with her, but I felt too stupid to keep this going so I just smiled-"bye-d" stupidly before running away.  I heard friends were waiting for her.  I had to finish my grocery.